say no
A month into my new job, and I am still adjusting.
There is a lot to learn, and there are days I am overwhelmed.
Currently, I am ghostwriting a book on self-care, and I can’t help but be affected by it.
The target audience of the book is moms in their 40’s. I’m smack right in the middle of it, I’m in my 40’s, and two people call me “Mommy”.
What strikes me most while writing this book are two things.
First, the audience. In this stage of motherhood, the kids have gotten older; the babies are no longer babies. (There are exceptions to this, of course. For instance, moms who had their first baby near their 40’s).
Second, what struck me most were the questions why. Why talk about self-care with this group? What’s the need?
The simple answer is, for us moms born between the years 1973-1982 (you’d be 40-49 years old by now), self-love was branded as selfish. This is more pronounced if you were raised Christian or a Catholic—the lesson about self-love as sinful was pounded on you.
Yesterday, I was almost coerced into doing something I didn’t want to do. I felt weak in the knees. But it made me realize something: I’ve changed. Instead of giving in to the bullying, I stood my ground. This is an act of self-love.
The person who was strong-arming me was an older aunt. At first, she was nice and pleasant. Then, when I said no, she used utang na loob (debt of gratitude) and pakikisama (togetherness) to make me agree.
I didn’t want to give what she wanted. I know myself better now. My uncensored answer was, “No, you can’t have it.”
But I said it this way, “Aunt, I will just keep on making excuses why I won’t agree to X. But the real reason is I don’t want to. I have too much going on, and I do not have the resources to give you X.”
After I said no, I did not relent.
I said no again. I repeated what I said about not wanting to make excuses.
She hung up on me.
Emotional manipulation.
At that point, I felt the fear—if I didn’t give in, my relatives would look at me badly. My aunt has direct influence over other relatives, of course. I don’t want to lose face. (No Asian does.)
But then. I love myself a bit more now. I’m firm on my decision.
So, I decided to look for allies—the people I know love and support me. I reached out to my spouse and I reached out to my mom, and I told them about my predicament.
And because they do love and support me, they supported my decision as well.
Whew. I felt relieved after that.
I don’t know about you, but I have these beliefs:
I can never say no.
I should always give in to coercion, especially of the emotional kind.
I must sacrifice myself for smooth family relationships.
I’m pretty sure those beliefs came from a childhood of emotional abuse.
These beliefs are deeply ingrained. But now, it’s time to let them go.
Forty-two years of age, and I am still intimidated by people who gaslight, people who push my buttons, people who use guilt to make me do something I don’t want or give away something I don’t want to give.
I’ve had enough.
With the gradual phasing out of these beliefs, behavior change will follow.
Now, the challenge is to find how to do it diplomatically.
After all, I am part of a Chinoy family and live in a collective Filipino society.
How about you? Do you have the same struggle about standing up for yourself? Maybe it’s not just me. Maybe it’s a 40-plus-year-old mom thing.
